This weeks intervention is A Christmas Carol, just to get you in the mood. Oh, there is a little bit of a twist, of course...
You know, really it all started off as a bet. I bet the others that I could convince more people to change their ways than they could. Of course, I knew they would agree to it; what else is there to do in this depressing place? It’s actually a pretty fun bet, too. Lots of challenge, although, not much competition. Future wins pretty much most of the time, lucky bastard. I think the score goes 489 to Past, 543 to me, and a whopping 762 to Future. I suppose really I have probably lost the bet now. But it’s easy for Future! He just looms ominously over the person, shows them a few scenes of their agonising and lonely death and BAM! They’re suddenly a better person. Typical Future, really. Oh, don’t get confused. We call him Future, but some weirdoes call him ‘Yet to Come’. Yet to Come? Honestly? What is that about? It’s Past, Present, and Future, thank you very much. Don’t mess it up again.
It’s funny because we’ve been doing this for so many years now and yet that Scrooge bloke is the only one that anyone ever remembers. And he ain't even the most famous person we’ve changed. You know there was that huge dictator a while ago, remember him? Well, after a visit from us he completely changed his ways. Okay, he killed himself, but that’s good enough for me! Besides, I won that one, so I figure that’s fair enough.
Oh yeah, and that’s another thing because of that bloody Scrooge people now think we only come out at Christmas! Who cares if it’s Christmas? We ain't particularly bothered by Christmas, or any of those other ridiculous holidays! So if we come out at Easter next time don’t expect an egg or anything. Personally, my favourite time to work is at night time, during a thunderstorm. Nothing scares people more than a little bit of lightning action!
This time, though, we’ve found what I think is the biggest challenge yet. Well, Present found him, really. It’s gonna be tough to change this guy. If you thought that Scrooge was a hard ass bastard then this guy is gonna blow your mind. We’ve been following him around for a while, now; working out what makes him tick and what is gonna be the best way to screw with his head. Let me tell you now, he’s an asshole, and a big one. Just like Scrooge was addicted to his money, this guy is totally addicted to sex. You know those Essex lads; well he’s ten times worse than that! Oh, and boy is this guy stacked. I’m safe, I can’t die but if I could I would not mess with this guy, no way! I think he might even be taller than Future, can you believe that?
I’ve seen his past, though. Bloody hell, is it mental. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna have some good material to work with this time. Amazingly, he used to be a cute little boy; his Mamma sure did love him. Pity his Daddy didn't. Pity his Daddy didn’t love his Mamma, either. I suppose you could say it was a bloody break up. But, no fear, this guy got his revenge on his Daddy, and he was not merciless.
I’ve seen when his love of sex started, and he was young so was the girl; I suppose it was a good thing his Mamma wasn’t around to see it. His Mamma was a sweetie. Maybe I’ll look her up. She’s probably gone now really, can’t imagine she’d hang round in our depressing dimension for long. Oh, I feel I might be getting off track a little bit. So yeah, today’s the day I’m gonna make my move on this sexed-up man beast. It’s the biggest storm this year and it’s gonna be right above his apartment. This guy’s gonna be sorry, he’s gonna change so fast. The others ain’t gonna stand a chance. Oh! I haven’t told you the best bit yet. You know what this guy’s nickname is, what all his little kiss ass friends call him? Tiny Tim. Ain’t that just the darndest thing?