Friday, 4 November 2011

A Dracula Intervention

For this week's Textual Intervention we had to do a piece inspired by Dracula, and here it is!

The Diary of Lucy Van Helsing

1 Nov

She’s doing it again. It’s one of those days; mum’s gone crazy. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit it’s not as bad as last time. At least she hasn’t got the stakes and crucifixes out again. Well, yet. This time she’s ranting about how those ‘disgusting Twilight books make sweet young girls want to become unholy monsters’; her words not mine. This all happened because she heard a group of girls talking in the supermarket about how they wish their boyfriends were vampires, apparently they’re better in bed. I only know what the Twilight saga is about because all my friends are obsessed with it. If my mum caught me even looking at the cover I know she’d flip out. To be honest, I can’t even stand vampires anyway, not after living with my mum. She’s still ranting, now it’s about how ‘we Van Helsings have fought against vampires for many generations and it’s things like Twilight that makes our jobs so much harder’. Again, her words not mine. Personally, I don’t give a crap about Twilight, vampires or about being a Van Helsing. If anything it’s just made my life worse. Not being allowed out after dark, having to take a stake to school, and worst of all having my mum throw holy water at any of my friends that I bring home. Obviously, I don’t invite friends over any more.
Oh, she’s calmed down now; well at least, she’s gone to her room to sharpen her stakes. That’s the nearest to calm she’s going to get.

3 Nov

There’s a new boy at school. He’s recently moved here from somewhere in Europe. People are saying he’s from somewhere in Romania. It explains why he’s so pale. Wait, is Romania a sunny place? I’ll Google it when I get home. There’s already a nasty rumour going around that’s he’s a Romanian orphan adopted by a rich English couple who can’t have their own kids. But I don’t really believe that as there’s no rich people that live around here. He does have an air of mystery about him though. His name is Dimitri.

11 Nov

I’ve gotten to know Dimitri quite well over the past week. He’s in all my classes, and we get talking quite a lot; he’s got such a sexy voice, I think it’s the accent it makes me weak at the knees!  He’s from a small town in Transylvania. He’s not adopted but he’s not living with his parents, they’re travelling, so he’s living with his aunt and uncle. He says his parents weren’t really the maternal type anyway, so he doesn’t miss them too much. Sometimes I wish my mum would go travelling. Dimitri says he likes living in England. He likes that it’s not too sunny; apparently he’s allergic to the sun. He says it gives him terrible rashes. Dimitri’s really good at sports, as well. He’s already on the cross country team. My friend says she saw him practicing the other day and that he was the fastest person she’s ever seen. I wish I could have seen him running, I bet he looks really good in shorts.

14 Nov

Dimitri walked me home this evening. He says that night time can be very dangerous; it wasn’t really night time though, it was just pretty dark after school. But like I was going to say no. Looking back, I probably should have said no, or at least made him stop at the end of the street. Letting him get that close to my home was a big mistake. My mum saw him, and we all know what my mum’s like with new people. But I’ve never seen her this bad before. In fact, she’s only just stopped questioning me. Here’s how the conversation went:
‘Who was that boy?’
‘No one.’
‘Who was he?’
‘Look, he’s just a new boy from my school. It was getting dark so he walked me home.’
‘What’s his name?’
‘That sounds foreign.’
‘Yeah, he’s from some place in Romania. He’s living with his aunt and uncle for a while.’
‘Yeah, so?’
‘Romania like Transylvania. Do you not know what that means?’
‘He’s a vampire!’
‘Oh, please mum. Not again.’
‘Have you seen his reflection?’
‘No, mum. I don’t tend to make him look at mirrors all the time.’
‘Do his teeth look any sharper than normal?’
‘Maybe, I don’t know. I don’t go staring at people’s teeth, mum.’
‘Well, have you seen him eat anything then?’
‘Yes, his aunt makes his lunch ‘specially. Apparently he’s a fussy eater.’
‘Probably because he only likes the blood of innocent young girls.’
‘Have you seen his neck, does he have any puncture wounds? Or do you suppose he was born into it?’
‘God, mum! I’m going to my room!’
I can’t stand her any more. She’s always trying to ruin my life with her stupid vampire slaying crap! We may have the last name of Van Helsing but she doesn’t have to take it so seriously! God, sometimes I wish she would just stake herself.

18 Nov

Dimitri’s been offering to walk me home all week, but I don’t think I could deal with my mum’s crazy so I’ve been saying no, I told him my mum is a bit fussy about boys. I know it’s a lie but it’s for his own good. I really like him though. He’s so sweet, there’s no way he could be a vampire; not that I ever thought he was, of course. He doesn’t even seem fussed by my last name. Surely if he was such a big bad vampire he would be scared of my name. Mum’s clearly mad. For the past couple of days she’s just been interrogating me about him more and more. She will not stop going on about it. She’s got all her weapons sharpened and ready as if vampires are going to be banging down our doors with Dimitri as their leader. I don’t even know why she has all this stuff; she’s never even used it. Though I have heard her sneaking out a few times after midnight; I think she’s going out to the graveyards to pretend she’s some fantastic slayer. Sometimes I wish Bram Stoker had thought of another name for his stupid vampire expert rather than Van Helsing.

20 Nov

Dimitri came to my house today. He said he waited for my mum to go out in the car before he came near the house. He was so polite, too. Said he’d have to be formally invited in otherwise he wouldn’t feel comfortable. It must be a Romanian thing. It was so nice seeing him outside of school, he’s so funny, and clever, and beautiful, and I can’t believe mum thinks he’s a vampire! He’s also a really good kisser, but don’t tell anyone! I’ve never experienced anything like it. He even gave me a hickey! I’m definitely going to wear a scarf now; mum will probably stake me in the heart if she sees it! Thank God it’s winter. But the best thing about the whole day was that just before he left he asked me to be his girlfriend! Can you believe it? I finally have a boyfriend! Finally! I don’t think even my mum could ruin this moment.

21 Nov

I couldn’t help it. As soon as mum saw me wearing a scarf she jumped to conclusions. She actually ripped it off me! She screamed at me, too. She told me how I was ‘completely irresponsible and stupid, and this just proves that Dimitri is an unholy demon. He had used his dark sexuality to seduce me and I was stupid enough to fall for it’, again, her words not mine. She inspected my neck thoroughly before deciding I was safe and that it wasn’t really a bite. But she still made me bathe it in holy water. She also gave me a crucifix necklace to wear to school and some weird garlic perfume she had made; like I was going to use that! I hate my mum so much sometimes.

24 Nov

Weirdly enough mum told me to ask Dimitri over for dinner tomorrow night. She’s been acting funny since Monday, to be honest. She said that she overreacted the other day and she shouldn’t be so obsessed with vampires if she wanted to be a good mother. She even went as far as to say they didn’t exist! I thought she might be drunk or at least high but she smelt fine. I wasn’t sure whether to believe her or not, I mean she is usually vampire crazy!  Besides, I wasn’t sure if Dimitri would even want to come over, anyway. Ever since the other day he’s been avoiding me. He hasn’t sat next to me in class or at lunch, he hasn’t even spoken to me! Is that normal for boys, to ask you out and then ignore you? All my friends say that it’s perfectly normal, you know, men are from Mars and all. I have my own idea though. I don’t like thinking this, but sometimes I think it is because of the crucifix I’m wearing. No, that’s just stupid. He’s probably just focusing on his studies or something. Yeah, that’s it. I will ask him to come to dinner and I bet everything will be fine.

25 Nov

Dinner is going great! I can’t believe I thought Dimitri wouldn’t come. He was actually really pleased to be invited. Said he wanted to make a good first impression on my mum. I didn’t tell him that she already thought he was some evil vampire only after my blood.  But mum really has cleaned up her act; she hasn’t even hinted about vampires tonight or done anything embarrassing, which are both firsts for her. And Dimitri has been so nice and polite. Mum cooked us steaks, if you can call it cooked; they were practically raw! But Dimitri ate it down anyway without saying a bad word. I wanted to say something but I thought Dimitri might think I was a spoilt brat so I ate as much of mine as I could. I’m supposed to be getting the desserts right now but I just had to write this all down. I’m just so happy! For once my mum isn’t acting completely psycho.


Oh God! Oh God! It’s all gone horribly wrong. I don’t know what to do! Oh God! I came back with the desserts to find mum with a stake pointing at Dimitri’s chest. She had a crazy look in her eyes that I had never seen before and it was terrifying. And oh God, Dimitri was unconscious on the floor, what had she done to him? I screamed at her to stop but she just turned to me calmly and said: ‘Oh good, Lucy you’re back. I’m going to prove to you now that vampires are real.’ I screamed at her again, I begged and pleaded, I tried to pull her hand away. Dimitri was still out of it. Oh god, it was horrible. And then…and then…mum turned back to me and she said:

‘I know Lucy, how about you do it? Yes, you can slay your first vampire. Come on Lucy. Come here.’ I didn’t want to do it, I tried to get away but she grabbed me. She placed the stake in my hand and directed it at his chest.

‘Come on, you can do it. Do it, Lucy. Do it now! Do it, Lucy! DO IT NOW!’

 She grabbed my wrist and together we drove the stake into his chest. There was no bursting into flames, no explosion of dust, nothing. My mum let me go and I fell to the floor. She groped his chest and pulled his shirt open. The stake was wedged into his chest, and, God, there was so much blood. It was everywhere. It was all over his clothes, the floor, on mum. But that didn’t stop her. She pulled the stake out and plunged it back in again. I screamed at her but she kept saying that ‘he is a vampire I knew he is, he is a vampire, he is, he is!’ over and over again. 

I know people say that mums can be overprotective but my mum had actually just staked my first ever boyfriend to death.  

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