Mr & Mrs Anderson
She stares into the distance
She avoids his chilling eyes
Because she knows that he knows
That she's telling him lies
She keeps her hands to herself
She never touches his body
Because she knows that he knows,
That's why he looks at her oddly
She has her own chambers
She has her own bed
Because she knows that he knows,
That's why his heart's turned to lead
She dresses in riches
She's the belle of the ball
But she knows that he knows
That it's not for him, not at all
She meets another in darkness
She steals a kiss
Because she knows that he knows
That her heart is not his
She elopes before sunrise
She leaves no farewell
Because she knows that he knows
That he hates her as well.
I really like the first verse, although I think "That she is telling lies" would scan better. The rest I think flows weirdly.
ReplyDeleteLines I have problems with:
"That's why he looks at her oddly" - it's an extra syllable, though I can't think how to rephrase it. And it doesn't seem to make sense... I don't understand what she knows is making him look at her oddly - because she doesn't touch him? Or does she not touch him because he looks at her oddly? It could be clearer.
"That's why his heart's turned to lead" - perhaps make it "That his heart has turned to lead"? Also this verse doesn't fit the pattern of the first two. But then neither do the rest, so yeah...
"She's the belle of the ball" and "That it's not for him, not at all" - don't scan well.
I like the concept and the repetition of "Because she knows that he knows" (although why is it changed to "But" in the fourth verse?).
Admittedly I dropped English for a reason so you might have a valid reason for some of this, but just thought I'd comment.
I think you and I must be reading it differently, because it all sounds fine to me! Though, admittedly some of it is a little bit iffy, but it is only the second poem I have tried to write. Let's hope that my new poetry module will help me on the quest to writing better poems!
ReplyDelete