Batman: The Dark Knight Returns

Because I haven't posted anything in a while and because everyone loves Batman, here's my essay on The Dark Knight Rises. I could have done a parody of Batman for my Comic Books & Graphic Novels assignment but I figured I hadn't done an essay in a while, so what the heck? It got 66% which isn't too bad for an essay, let's hope my comic book creative piece is better. What I've gathered, though, is that I need to work more on my conclusions. I have another essay due in a couple of weeks and I'm going to try really hard on that one, although I'm already feeling frustrated by it and I haven't even started!

Is Batman: The Dark Knight Returns a successful novel?

With the release of the final instalment of Christopher Nolen’s Batman trilogy it is clear to see that Batman has never been so popular. It has been over 20 years since Frank Miller wrote Batman: The Dark Knight Returns and yet a highly respected animated version has recently been released. Before Miller, dark and gritty protagonists fighting in a violent world were the exception not the norm. So does this shadowy way of storytelling make the Dark Knight Returns a successful novel?

                                             

Bruce Wayne has been retired from the superhero business for ten years but with the arrival of the Mutants he dons the cape once more. Gone is the campness and humour of the sixties and instead there is a dark anti-hero in a despairing city. Batman has always been a crime fighter ever since his creation in 1939 but The Dark Knight Returns involves more extreme violence, as well as plenty of blood and gore. The Dark Knight Returns made the New York Times bestseller list, and the Times critic called it ‘jazzy, offbeat, grim, shocking, nonlinear.’[1] It also received praise in reviews from Rolling Stone and Atlantic Monthly. However, not everyone was ready to accept this new style of comic book. Bob Kane, creator of Batman, was puzzled many things in the comic, including the masculine woman Bruno who has swastikas on her breasts and buttocks; ‘I don’t understand it fully,’ he says. ‘It’s beyond my early naïve Batman drawings, I guess.’ [2] The Village Voice, a New York paper, attacked the comic saying that it was ‘neoconservative propaganda’[3] based on the fact that the Dark Knight Returns did not offer a ‘didactic left-wing perspective’[4]. Miller found these comments ‘pretty silly’[5] and states that he ‘couldn’t have done Batman and have been politically correct at the same time, because the politically correct contingent won’t allow for any character with a larger-than-life status’[6] and that ‘violence was out’[7].  This however did not stop comics of a similar art form being produced. Dave Gibbon’s Watchmen and Art Spiegelman’s Maus were two comic books, as well as The Dark Knight Returns, that would usher in the ‘modern age of mainstream comics’.[8] This genre is characterised by darker, more psychologically driven stories and by anti-hero protagonists that blur the line between hero and villain.

Miller’s use of the literary device ‘internal monologue’[9] captures Bruce’s every thought and with this the reader can understand the choices he makes. The reader understands why Bruce wants to go back to crime fighting; they know that Batman misses Dick Grayson, the original Robin; and  they know why he will never stop.  Not only that, it helps to describe what is going on in what might be otherwise unclear artwork. For example, the scene in which Batman fights the Mutant leader, this device lets the reader know what is happening specifically. ‘I make him eat some garbage. Then I help him swallow it…Then his claws dig into my back. His filed teeth like razors in my trapezius.’[10] This is especially unclear in the book, and the reader certainly would not know that Batman’s trapezius was hurt from the drawings alone. Batman is not the only character with this interior monologue; most of the main characters have them too.

The colourist, Lynn Varley, cleverly distinguishes between these many thoughts by using different colours that represent the character. Batman’s is grey, which matches Gotham’s dull and gloomy atmosphere as well as his psychological state. Robin’s is a bright yellow, conveying her optimistic innocence, a brightness that contrasts completely with Batman. Superman’s is a bright blue that pales when he is in a weakened state during the nuclear attack. The Joker’s is a toxic green, signifying his evil personality.

However, not everyone appreciated the artistic talents. Mordecai Richler, writer for the New York Times, was not enthralled by Miller’s work, saying that ‘the drawings offer a grotesquely muscle-bound Batman and Superman, not the lovable champions of old.’[11] He added that ‘the stories are convoluted, difficult to follow and crammed with far too much text.’[12] While it could be argued that there is a lot of text and many smaller panels, there are no official conventions for comic books. The Art of Comics discusses the ‘Image-Text Complex in Comics’[13] and says that there are sometimes cases in which there are no words in panels and that, although more rarely, there are instances in which the panel is not filled with any image at all.[14] Miller and Klaus Janson were in their right to use as much image and text as they wanted.

Miller uses many characters to highlight Batman’s own character. There are scores of people who think he is a villain, like the civilians of Gotham city and Police Commissioner Yindel. Not only that, Miller uses Batman’s worst enemies, Two-Face and the Joker, against him, as well as his superhero friend, Superman.

Harvey Dent and Batman have essentially the same ideal – to make Gotham a better place. Unfortunately that changed for Dent when his face was disfigured by acid. Two-Face has spent the last 12 years in Arkham Asylum but has been released with a clean bill of health and a plastic surgery repaired face. He is however still Two-Face and he terrorises Gotham city swathed in bandages. Two-Face is a representation of what Bruce Wayne could become if he lets his crime fighting obsession overwhelm him. Miller stated that ‘Two-Face is identical to Batman in that he’s controlled by savage urges…he’s very much like Batman’[15]. At the end of their struggles Batman admits that looking at Dent is like looking at a mirror; ‘I see him. I see… “I see…a reflection, Harvey. A reflection”’[16]

Miller uses Two-Face like the warm up for the main event - the Joker. He is Batman’s most prolific enemy. The same Doctor who releases Two-Face allows the Joker to be free and claims that Batman is the menace who would harass him. When the Joker appears on the David Endochrine Show he is striking a powerful pose, almost resembling Superman’s a few pages earlier. He has strong, broad shoulders, and the way the curtain is positioned around him is similar to the movement of a cape. This is not the clownish Joker of the Batman TV series. This is Batman’s serious rival. Miller says that Joker is ‘a force of chaos’[17] and that he represents the ‘chaos Batman despises, the chaos that killed his parents.’[18]  In using the Joker Miller is also appealing to the many Batman fans. It would not be a true Batman comic without him.

The Dark Knight Returns is not necessarily canonical and statements have been issued regarding the continuity: ‘BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS is also NOT considered to be part of the normal continuity. It is a POSSIBLE future for Batman, and one which may or may not happen…it would be a shame to limit the Batman’s future to this one story.’[19] So while Batman and the Joker have their final showdown, it is not necessarily how the Joker truly dies. Yet it is a fitting way to end it, with the Joker laughing to his death beside an aged Batman. This refined handling of such an important death is what makes The Dark Knight successful, as readers would not be satisfied with an ‘easy’ death. As the Joker was such a notorious villain he needed a fitting death. Even after he is dead he is still able to hurt Batman as the madness the Joker causes at the fairground is blamed on Batman: ‘By attacking Gotham’s police, Batman has revealed himself as an unqualified menace…the Joker’s body found mutilated and burned…murder is added to the charges against the Batman.’[20] None the less, the Joker is not the toughest challenge. Batman still has to face Superman. This again refers back to the modern age comics and how the lines between hero and villain are blurred.

Superman and Batman are polar opposites. Superman uses Clark Kent as his secret identity, he is not from this world, has super powers and cannot die. Bruce Wayne, a billionaire playboy, uses Batman as his secret identity. He has no super powers, only gadgets and strength, and he can die. Although the biggest difference is that Superman is a well-liked and respected superhero whereas Batman is seen as a menace and vigilante. Having Superman in this comic only proves how different the two are. While Bruce Wayne has been retired, Superman is now a pawn for the US government, who have asked him to stop Batman’s violent ways. The battle between Superman and Batman at the end of the novel is a satisfying climax; Batman may have beaten his enemies but now he must face his friend. Despite the fact that Miller uses internal monologue throughout this final showdown the audience does not know what the outcome will be, Batman never gives away his plan, even to Robin. Then, it seems like Batman has been killed. Yet the reader finds out that Bruce Wayne has left Gotham to create an army that will finally ‘bring sense to a world plagued by worse than thieves and murderers’.[21] This is more rewarding for a reader than if he had just died, as they know that Batman can never truly be stopped.

The Dark Knight Returns may not have been received well by everyone at the time of its release but for die-hard fans it was a hit. Like with any beloved character some people do not like it when they are changed or reimagined. But this was a much needed change for Batman. Miller’s gritty style has outlived the fun of the sixties and the fandom has been growing ever since. The Dark Knight Returns was inspiration for both Tim Burton and Christopher Nolan’s Batman films. It has been ranked number two on IGN’s list of the 25 greatest Batman graphic novels, second only to Batman: Year One.[22] It appears that while fans of the comic are torn, it cannot be denied that Batman: The Dark Knight Returns was definitely a success.

---

[1] Bob Kane, Batman and Me (USA: Eclipse Books, 1989) p. 155

[2] Bob Kane, Batman and Me p. 155

[3] C. Carr, ‘Batman: The Dark Knight Returns’, Village Voice, June 1986

[4] The Many Lives of Batman: Critical Approaches to a Superhero and his Media, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio (New York: Routledge, 1991) p. 38

[5] The Many Lives of Batman, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio p. 38

[6] The Many Lives of Batman, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio p. 38

[7] The Many Lives of Batman, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio p. 38

[8] The Art of Comics: A Philosophical Approach ed. by Aaron Meskin and Roy T. Cook (UK: Blackwell Publishing Ltd. 2012) p.xxiv

[9] Will Brooker, Batman Unmasked: Analysing a Cultural Icon (London: Continuum, 2000) p. 267

[10] Frank Miller, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (London: Titan Books, 1997) p. 78

[11] Mordecia Richler, ‘Paperbacks: Batman at Midlife: Or the Funnies Grow Up’, New York Times, May 03 1987. http://www.nytimes.com/1987/05/03/books/paperbacks-batman-at-midlife-or-the-funnies-grow-up.html [accessed 22 Oct. 12]

[12] Mordecia Richler, ‘Paperbacks: Batman at Midlife: Or the Funnies Grow Up’, New York Times, May 03 1987. http://www.nytimes.com/1987/05/03/books/paperbacks-batman-at-midlife-or-the-funnies-grow-up.html [accessed 22 Oct. 12]

[13] The Art of Comics ed. by Aaron Meskin and Roy T. Cook p.93

[14] The Art of Comics ed. by Aaron Meskin and Roy T. Cook p.96

[15] The Many Lives of Batman, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio p. 36

[16] Frank Miller, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns p. 55

[17] The Many Lives of Batman, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio p. 36

[18] The Many Lives of Batman, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio p. 36

[19] The Many Lives of Batman, ed. by Roberta E. Pearson & William Uricchio p. 192

[20] Frank Miller, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns pp. 157-158

[21] Frank Miller, Batman: The Dark Knight Returns p. 199

[22] Goldstein, Hilary, ‘The 25 Greatest Batman Graphic Novels’, IGN, October 25 2011 http://uk.ign.com/articles/2011/10/25/the-25-greatest-batman-graphic-novels [accessed 23 Oct. 12]

Creative Writing Lectures

Four weeks in and lectures are in motion, and now that I've not got the flu and my cough is subsiding (somewhat) I can fully enjoy them. 

Advance Fictional Writing is exactly how it sounds. I feel that it's repeating a lot of the stuff I learnt in first year. While it is handy, it's also boring. I know about character now, with all my character profile sheets, I really know about character. Plot, structure, setting and dialogue are all second nature to me now and it's not interesting to listen to it all again.
Luckily, that's not all that is involved in the lecture. The other part includes a talk about marketing and publishing. This is more interesting as it is about what to do after you have written your masterpiece. It's also interesting because I have considered going into marketing before and part of me wouldn't mind being an editor, either. So that's always something to look into.

BBC's adaptation of Fingersmith

The most annoying this about this lecture is the reading list. They didn't post it until after the summer so I had no idea we even had to read anything. It now means that for the past four weeks I have been struggling to catch up, and finish the books we were meant to have for lecture a week late. For example, we were supposed to have read Fingersmith by Sarah Waters for Tuesday the 9th of October and I only just finished it today. I have another book to read by this Tuesday coming as well. However, this one is a lot shorter so I will probably manage it, for once. That's another thing, these books aren't even short, they're like 500 pages long. Even for me that's rough!
The final part of the lecture involves work shopping our creative pieces. As I missed the first lecture due to flu I was a little behind. Everyone already has ideas and at least 500 words. My mind is so focused on my ECP at the moment that I hadn't given a thought to all the other creative pieces I would have to do. But then it occurred to me, I could use this lecture as an opportunity to start my Margaret Jones novel. So on Tuesday I took the beginnings of the story in and my group seemed to like it. They even laughed and were surprised when I said she would stumble upon a drug lord's stash. Hopefully my lecturers will like it as much.
So overall, out of ten I would give Advanced Fictional Writing a six. Interesting, but not too inspiring.

My second lecture of the week is Writing-History-Fiction. Yes, written like that. Supposedly it means different things to if it was written Writing History Fiction. This is the lecture I look forward to most in the week. Not because of the topic or content but because it is the only lecture in which I have friends. It totally makes up for the fact that it's rather boring. I think the main problem is that I suck at history. I know nothing about it. And honestly, don't really care. Don't get me wrong, I find some parts really fascinating but they're not something I want to write about. Actually, I have no idea what I want to write about. I only chose this module because I thought my boyfriend would finally read something I wrote and like it, as he studies History at the university. Another problem is my lecturer, bless her. She's not technology savvy, like most lecturers, but she insists on using it. She sounds like Professor McGonagall but acts like Professor Trelawney. I think that says it all. And the books! The books are even worse than Advanced Fictional Writing. I've already mentioned Wolf Hall before, but my God, I just cannot read it.
Out of ten, this module receives a seven. All right, but my friends make it much better.

My last module of the week (I only have three this year, as I have my ECP) is Comic Books and Graphic Novels. It sounds like it is going to be lots of fun, and over the summer I really got into comic books. But I actually find it rather tedious. My lecturer is nice enough but he's so airy fairy and laid back. There doesn't seem to be any structure. On Friday we watched the first 20 minutes of the 1960's Batman movie with Adam West, which by the way is totally ridiculous. It is fun, I just wonder about the money I'm spending on tuition fees to watch Batman. That makes me sound like such a spoilsport.
The one style of writing I was glad to give up was scriptwriting, and guess what, comic book writing is pretty much just like scriptwriting. I'm dreading the creative piece. The first assignment was a choice between an essay, Is Batman: The Dark Knight Returns a successful novel? or a parody of Batman. Everyone has chosen to do the parody, but I'm so anxious about it that I chose to the essay. That might have also been a bad choice. I worked out that I haven't written an essay since the Textual Intervention II piece back in March. (You remember  I aptly named it the Worst Essay Ever.) Anyway, that was eight months ago! This essay is certainly going to be a challenge.
For this module I give it a seven out of ten. Enjoyable, yet flat.

Overall this term isn't too inspiring. I think I may just knuckle down with my ECP, which reminds me, I have a meeting with my ECP supervisor tomorrow about it. I sent her the first 3,000 words. I really hope she likes it, or at least has something constructive to say. Finger's crossed. 

University Grades

This is a pretty braggy post. I got my Critical Evaluation for Creative Voice back today, and I won't lie, I was worried about what mark I was going to get. My Evaluation last year was 60%, so I wasn't too hopeful this year. However, I got 68% yay! Anyway, my friend said that she kept a record of all the grades she has got and I thought I would, too. I don't want to seem like a show off posting them on here, but it means I can link them to the exact pieces of work so you can see what I wrote and what grade I got for it. Also, if you can't show off your grades what's the point of getting them?

Year 2 Semester 2 so far...

Creative Voice: Critical Evaluation – 68%

Year 2 Semester 1

Media Writing: 1500 Word Critique of Article – 67%

Media Writing: 2000 Word Article – 65%

Short Story: Parody – 68%

Short Story: Creative Piece – 64%

Textual Intervention: Creative Piece – 72%

Textual Intervention: Rationale – 66%

Creating Short Screenplays: Film Script – 64%

Creating Short Screenplays: Essay – 65%

Year 1 Semester 2

Creative Non-Fiction: Creative Piece – 66%

Creative Non-Fiction: Essay – 54%

Creative Voice I: Critical Evaluation – 60%

Creative Voice I: Creative Piece – 68%

Creativity II: Exhibition Piece – 62%

Creativity II: Evaluation – 63%

Poetry and Poetic Expression: Creative Piece – 64%

Poetry and Poetic Expression: Rationale – 68%

Year 1 Semester 1

Language – Writing – Reading: Essay – 62%

Language – Writing – Reading: Portfolio of Writing Exercises– 53%

Fictional Writing: Creative Piece – 65%

Fictional Writing: Rationale – 63%

Creativity I: Presentation Evaluation – 63%

Creativity I: Research Essay – 68%

Script Writing: Essay – 64%

Script Writing: Pitch Presentation – 72%

My particular favourites are the Pitch Presentation; my Creativity I essay, which was on Oscar Wilde; my poetry pieces; my Creative Non-Fiction piece which was on Doctor Who; my Short Story Parody, and finally, my Textual Intervention piece, which was a First!

Disney Parody

Following the fairy tale theme I'm posting a story I wrote at the beginning of year 10. I just read through it and it's not as hideous as I thought it would be. However, I don't think it was worth the A* I received for it, though some parts are rather funny, if I do say so myself!

The Princess and the Affair

Cinderella was a very happy princess; she had everything she had ever dreamt of. A lovely huge castle, servants to wait on her every whim, a charming husband, (tall dark and handsome and dressed to impress) and all the shoes she could ask for. She had red shiny ones, black leather ones, blue party ones, pink glittery ones and her favourite glass slippers. She loved every single pair and they had their very own room in her castle. It had floor to ceiling shelves, with the shoes stored from smallest to highest heel, as well as colour coordinated. She even had shoes that she had never taken out of the box; they were saved for really special occasions. Now her husband, Prince Charming, had got annoyed a couple of times before, but Cinderella just promised not to do it again…and he believed her!

*

Cinderella smiled as the clerk packed her lovely new dark green stilettoes into a box after wrapping them in silver tissue paper - buying shoes was so much fun, she was just sad that she never got to do this sooner. How could she with those selfish idiots for a family, she was glad they had gone to live somewhere far, far away from here. She smiled again at the memory of her stepmother's face as the glass slipper slid comfortably onto her foot. That was a great day!

Her attention was quickly caught when the shopping clerk spoke. "Here you go, miss," she said brightly handing over the bag that contained her new shoes. Cinderella grinned, thanked the clerk and walked from the shop with a slight skip in her step.

As she left the shop she spied black hair, a hideous yellow skirt, blue top with light blue-capped sleeves and a high white collar. She even had that disgusting red cape on. Doesn't she know that outfit is so out of fashion, thought Cinderella, cringing at Snow White's horrible dress. She looked down smugly at her own clothes. She was wearing her new very fashionable white halter dress designed by the one and only Lumiere, a great French designer.

She smirked at Snow White as she walked past, but instead of being intimidated or afraid, Snow White just smirked back. The cheek of her, to smirk back at me, Cinderella fumed as she stormed out of the Fairy Tale Mall, (It Makes All Your Shopping Dreams Come True!) and into her lovely silver pumpkin carriage, with 8 horsepower.

She got home to her castle and ran straight up the stairs wanting to try on her new shoes and maybe get all dressed up, after all that was the second best thing after shoes - dressing up! She got to her room to see Prince Charming standing by the bed, facing the window. Cinderella quickly hid the bag, with her new shoes inside, behind her back.

‘Hello dear,’ she said sweetly. ‘I didn't expect you home until dinner time.’

Prince Charming turned around with a scowl on his face. ‘You bought more shoes, didn't you?’ he said. Cinderella's face burned as she was found out. She felt like a naughty child that had been caught eating cookies right before lunchtime.

‘Well, you could say that, I guess,’ she muttered while bringing the bag out from behind her back. Prince Charming’s scowl deepened.

‘You have thousands of shoes, why do you need more? I mean, there are some people who spend their money on better things. Like Snow White,’ as soon as he said her name Cinderella's face darkened. ‘She works so hard looking after all seven of those dwarves and she spends her money on good, useful things. Like did you know that she donated lots of money to a special clinic that helps the vertically challenged? Isn't that great? She is such a nice caring person,’ he said, now smiling. ‘I'm sure you two could become the best of friends if you just tried. But now's your chance, because I've just heard from Bluebeard that she bought the house opposite him in our street! So now you, Beauty and Snow White could hang out and do all those girlie things you like!’ He was now positively beaming at the idea of them being friends. Cinderella rolled her eyes at his happiness.

‘What if Beauty and I don't want her to be there?’

‘But she's such a nice person,’ he mumbled, looking dejected.

‘Why don't you just marry her, if you love her so much?’ she scoffed as she left the room taking her new shoes with her. Only she didn't hear her husband mutter, ‘I would if I could,’ as soon as she left the room.

*

Cinderella was prancing about in her new green shoes and a dress made by Lumiere when two little blue birds fluttered up to her windowsill with a creamy envelope. Cinderella gave them an odd look but took the letter all the same. The two birds quickly disappeared down the street chirping happily. Cinderella flipped the letter over in her hands and looked down on the curly writing spelling out Mr and Mrs Charming.

She looked down at it confused; she hardly ever got post. Well, she got post from the bank a lot; those goblins really hated it if she forgot to pay her bills, like they don’t already have enough money, without stealing it from her. She carefully looked at the red seal with a S.W in bedded in it. Snow White. With that she ripped the envelope open and read the letter quickly.

Dear Mr and Mrs Charming,

You are cordially invited to Snow White's palace warming party.

Please wear formal dress and bring presents.

At Snow White's house, tomorrow, dinner time.

Yours truly,

Snow White

And the Seven Dwarfs.

Cinderella glared at the letter in disgust and was very tempted to screw it up and throw it in the bin but Char would get mad at her. God, she hated Snow White. So instead she walked down to Char's study with a fake smile plastered on her face.

‘Sweetie, a letter has come.’ Prince Charming regarded her from his desk with a bored look on his face. ‘It's from Snow White,’ she added. His bored look quickly changed to shock then to surprise then to fear in about two seconds but then it was back to his clearly bored look.

‘Oh, what's it about?’ he asked in a disinterested tone. Cinderella was baffled by his quick change of expressions but let it pass.

‘It's just a palace warming party, you know 'cause she bought a new palace and all.’ She smiled sweetly again. Char nodded as if he was thinking about something very serious, then spoke.

‘I have something to do, why don't you go to the salon?’ he suggested while giving her his new credit card. (Dragons Gold Credit Card: Keep Your Treasure Safe.) Her eyes sparkled and she snatched the card from him.

‘Okay! You take your time doing what you're doing. I'll be a while, after all looking this great all of the time is a thing that only a Fairy Godmother can do! And they're not cheap!’ she said happily as she headed for the front door.

Cinderella arrived home from Genie’s Hair Salon (Makes Hair Perfect With Just Three Wishes!) with her blonde hair cut, styles and straightened. While she was out she treated herself and also had her eyebrows plucked, a manicure and a pedicure, her legs waxed, a back massage, a facial, and a medium spray tan. Once she was back in her castle, she looked at herself in the mirror for about five minutes but then she was bored. She slumped on her sofa and looked at the clock to see that it was only three o'clock, meaning the Mall would still be open for another two hours.  She could totally go and buy some new shoes; after all she didn’t have any suitable palace warming shoes. Besides, she still had Char's credit card, which she fingered lovingly. Cinderella leaped up from her seat, jumped in to her pumpkin carriage and zoomed off to the Mall. She parked quickly and ran (with dignity) to the nearest shoe shop.

An hour and a half later she came out with three new pairs of shoes, four new dresses and some new jewellery to match. Okay, she might have gone a little over the top but it's shopping, it's important. Well, to girls anyway. She smiled happily to herself but the smile fell off her face as she saw Snow White, again. Didn’t she have anything better to do than hang out at the Mall?

She was sat at a table at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Shop, sipping tea with her little pinky finger sticking out; how pretentious. But this time she was with a man, who looked oddly familiar, even if Cinderella could only see him from the back. His neatly styled dark brown hair and nice suit looked fabulous and she was sure he’d look even better from the front. Cinderella snorted. How could Snow White get such a nice, handsome boyfriend? Cinderella then decided to see whom the lucky, or should she say unlucky, man was. She began to stroll nonchalantly over to the tea shop waiting to see the out raged look on Snow White's face as she gave away all her biggest secrets and fears to her new boyfriend. Before she could reach the two lovebirds the intercom buzzed loudly.

Ding Dong! ‘Would the owner of the silver pumpkin carriage please report to the carriage park, you are parked on a goblin.’ Ding Dong! Cinderella frowned as she realised that was her carriage. She would have to move her carriage and quick otherwise the Mall Manager would ban her from the mall again. That meant she couldn't mock Snow White, but it didn't matter as the couple had finished their drinks and left the table.

Cinderella stamped her foot in annoyance but hurried off to the carriage park so she didn't have to spend money on pointless things, like parking tickets, which would make Char more annoyed.

*

She sped into the gravel driveway at the same time as Char came running down the street looking flushed.

‘Char!’ she exclaimed stuffing the carrier bags back into the carriage boot and shutting the door with a quick snap. He quickly looked at her nervously and guiltily.

‘Oh, Cindy!’ he said in surprise. ‘You're back; I thought you'd be longer.’ He part spoke, part mumbled. Cinderella raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow at his remark but let it slide seeing as she had just bought lots of new clothes.

‘Well, I just went to the Mall; I needed some new clothes for Snow White's party.’ She shrugged hoping that he wouldn’t notice all the expensive labels later on. Only she didn't notice the way Char flinched at the mention of the Mall and Snow White. She smiled at him and walked into their palace with the servants carrying in her bags. Char let out a huge sigh and followed her in.

*

The next day Cinderella got up bright and early to get ready for Snow White's party. She was going to look so gorgeous that no one would even notice Snow White; Cinderella's beauty would just amaze and dazzle them. She smiled to herself and hummed a little tune as she got out of bed. She stopped when she saw that Char's shirt from yesterday wasn't in the wash but sticking out from under their four-poster bed.

‘Too good to put his own shirts in the wash, is he?’ she said quietly to herself as she bent down to pick it up and put it in the wash, ‘I thought I would be done with chores once I got away from my step family!’ she was about to toss the shirt in the laundry basket when she noticed something shocking. There on the shirt's white collar was a blood red lipstick mark. Cinderella gasped loudly and dropped the shirt just as Char rolled over in their bed.

‘Cindy? What's the matter?’ he asked sleepily, peering at her from under the duvet with half closed eyes.

‘Oh, nothing!’ she said quickly, ‘I just broke a nail,’ she lied while nudging the shirt under the bed again.

‘Aw, poor Cindy. Come back to bed and I'll make it all better,’ he said with a cheeky grin.

‘But I have to get ready for the party,’ she lied once more. It was only a half lie though; it would take her a long time to get ready.

‘You've got all day to do that.’ Char moaned now fully awake.

‘Well you know me, busy, busy.’ She giggled nervously as she moved over to the door pulling her designer dressing gown on. ‘See you later,’ she added and slipped through the door.

Cinderella then shut it with a snap and leaned against it. Blood red lipstick; his flushed and guilty face; the handsome guy at the mall yesterday, it all made sense. Either Char was having an affair with Snow White or he had a secret identical twin. Cinderella wished it was the twin theory but of course she had met all Char's family and he had not one other sibling, well except his half-brother, but no one knew where he was. (Apparently he was really spoilt and obnoxious and had gone to France looking for a beautiful wife and had never come home. Some say he had a curse put on him, something about a beast, but everyone knows that only happens in story books.)

Cinderella was upset and annoyed at the idea of her husband being unfaithful, but what made it so much worse was the fact that it was with Snow White! She slid down the door and sat on the floor sobbing with fury over a man that was so obviously not worth it. She heard Char get out of bed so she dried her eyes, smoothed out her nightgown and began to plot a way to get back at them both.

*

The time flew by and soon Cinderella and Char left their palace and walked down to Snow White's. Cinderella was proud of herself, she had come up with a plan and she looked absolutely fabulous in her long blue and white ball gown with shoulder sleeves and lovely new white heels. Her shoes tapped loudly on the pavements as she walked arm in arm with her no good, dirty, rotten, cheating husband. Snow White would regret the day she had an affair with Cinderella's husband.

Snow White's palace had decorations everywhere; hanging from turrets, weaving through trees even around some dwarves' necks. Cinderella thought it looked tacky; there was such thing as over doing it. But Char loved it.

‘Oh wow! Doesn't that look wonderful?’ he cried, amazed. Cinderella pursed her lips and tried to smile.

‘Yes,’ she replied, wishing that Char and Snow White would both spontaneously combust, but that was what the plan was for.

They arrived at the front doors and were greeted by the lesser-known eighth dwarf, Greety.

‘May I take your coat, Prince Charming?’ he asked with a twinkle in his eye. Char nodded, passed his coat over and strolled on into the house while Greety hung the coat on the back of his hook-like hat with other coats.

Cinderella was quite impressed with the castle but she would never let Snow White know that, and of course, Cinderella's palace was so much nicer. They walked hand in hand through a huge oak door into a magnificent dining room where rich and delicious food was arranged on a well-carved table. And there, sitting in the middle was a large cream covered cake with little red apples around the sides.

‘That looks delicious!’ Char beamed as Cinderella grinned falsely but inwardly she smirked - soon it would all be over.

Just then Snow White glided into the room in exactly the same long blue and white ball gown with shoulder sleeves and lovely white-heeled shoes as Cinderella. She gasped in shock and felt her face flush red as everyone turned to look at her. Snow White smirked triumphantly at her then spoke proudly.

‘Welcome fellow royalty, thank you so much for coming!’ She flashed her audience a huge, white smile, her eyes lingering on Cinderella. ‘And without further ado let the dinner be served!’ She gave a curtsy and everyone flocked to the food but Cinderella was still in shock. How dare she wear the same dress as me! thought Cinderella in outrage. She couldn't take it anymore, first she gets one of the nicest houses on the street then she steals her husband and now the worst crime, she stole her dress. That was the last straw. Scratch the plan. She marched right over to Snow White who was about to cut the cake and SPLAT! she shoved her face right into the creaminess. 

Icing, cake crumbs, and decorative apples flew everywhere as Snow White's face collided with the dessert. Cinderella grinned evilly as she pulled Snow White's head back then pushed it back into the cake again, which made a very satisfying sound. Snow White's screams overpowered the noise of people gasping, dwarves cheering, and Char yelling at her to stop.

Only Cinderella must have let her guard down because Snow White twisted in her hands and tried to bite her arm. Cinderella leapt back in surprise, her heel snapping and she fell to the ground. The room span for a second but the dizziness soon left. Unfortunately, Snow White had already dived on her knocking the wind out of her.

‘You ruined my party!’ she screeched in Cinderella's face as she tugged at her hair and tried to scratch out her eyes.

Now Char was yelling at Snow White to stop but no one tried to pull the two princesses apart. Cinderella struggled about and grabbed Snow White's wrists then pushed her to floor as she jumped up. She checked herself over and sorted her hair; she then took her shoe off and checked the damage.

‘I may have ruined your party, but you have ruined my brand new shoes!’ she yelled as she threw the broken shoe away. The shoe flew across the room and knocked a candle down off the table as Cinderella stormed from the castle with Char running after her. But no one seemed to notice the fallen over candle until the fancy lace tablecloth caught fire.

Cinderella was so angry; that jumped up princess was nothing but a spoilt bitch, there she had said it!

‘Cindy! Cindy!’ Char yelled, ‘Wait, how could you do that back there?’ Cinderella quickly turned around and slapped him right across the face.

‘I know about you two! I know your dirty little secret!’ she screamed and his face paled visibly.

‘You knew…’ But before he could finish his sentence, screams erupted from the house. The unhappily married couple both turned around to see all the guests running from the palace, flames licking their feet.

‘Run! Run!’ yelled Sleepy the dwarf sleepily while yawning loudly. Char and Cinderella froze and watched as flames engulfed the entire palace. Suddenly a scream brought them back to reality.

‘Snow White is still in there!’ a party goer cried. Char stared in horror as a long turret fall into the burning mass that was once a beautiful palace. Cinderella cringed as a flame exploded from the west wing and some trees caught fire. There was no way Snow White was still alive now.

*

Cinderella went to jail that night for Arson and Manslaughter. Twenty nine people including all seven dwarves testified against her. Even Char was against her but she couldn't care less about him anymore. She thought darkly that it would have been better if he had died in that fire, too. The only thing that really upset her about this horrible situation was that she no longer had all her beautiful shoes.

Surrealhabilitation - A parody.

This was an assignment for my Short Story module. We had to write a parody of an author's work from our handbook. I chose to do a parody of Leonora Carrington a well known surreal artist and author.

Surrealhabilitation

EDIT - 31 March 2012: I am removing this post temporarily as it is entered in Short Fiction's Competition. It will be back in July.